Taste of Rue

Check out my new digs!

2010-10-19T20:44:00.002-04:00

Hey - so I've moved...

You can find me now at Taste of Rue over at Wordpress.

Invitation to the Butterfly Ball

2010-03-18T11:34:00.008-04:00

M's 4th birthday is not until next Tuesday, but because of schedules and availability, we had to have her party a little early... For months I'd been asking her what kind of party she would like, and every time she responded, "Butterfly party!" The local science museum is great for little kids and has a really impressive butterfly house, so we rented a room (the Kid Lab - it was cool!) and had a butterfly party complete with wings, antennae, and butterfly cupcakes. M had an absolute blast - she partied and then zoomed around the outside part of the museum with her friends. Here are some pics:

M and her best friend H compare antennae

Blowing out the candles

Cousin A eating a cupcake - he was a cupcake-eating machine!

Close-up of cupcakes... They turned out really well, if I say so myself :)

Happy girl!

Happy Hannukkah!

2009-12-16T22:29:00.002-05:00

Let's just say my elementary school Winter Concerts would have been much more fun with this song... Who needs "Dreidle, dreidle, dreidle"?

Nurse, shmurse

2009-12-08T11:12:00.003-05:00

So, it is all pink princesses and purple fairies at our house right now, which half-amuses me, half makes me cringe. M loves dressing up, and lately she has been trying on all sorts of identities. She and I were feeling under the weather yesterday, so I left work early and picked her up and took her home to chill out and watch D!sney movies. We were watching the Sword and the Stone, and we started talking about what she would be when she grew up... At first she said princess - good luck with that, kid - then nature fairy, then water fairy (we've been watching alot of Tinkerbell), then doctor. I asked if she would want to be a firefighter - she said no, too scary. I asked if she would want to be a nurse, and she goes, "eww, that's a boy job!"

Score one for non-traditional gender role models!

exciting times...

2009-11-08T22:46:00.002-05:00

So, we moved into a new house... Oh? Didn't know about that because I never update my blog? I will try to post pictures tomorrow. Ok, who am I kidding? I'll wait until my sister comes for Christmas, make her take pictures, and she can post them on her blog :)

It is a very nice, 1900sq ft, 4 bedroom/2 bath, tri-level built in 1965. That means we have nice wood floors AND good insulation. It is on a half-acre (in the city!), and has a playhouse with a dutch door and real vinyl windows and a wooden swing set. We have loved being in the new house - all that space! - and the transition has gone pretty smoothly. We only moved a block and my brother-in-law and his wife are going to rent our old house - both of which mean we have been able to move slowly, but also mean that the moving! It will never end! Where did we get all this crap?

In baby-related news (topics?), we're taking a leap of faith and setting up the third bedroom as a baby room. We painted over the ugly, depressing orange paint the previous owners had in there - the upper 1/3 of the walls are a clear sky blue and the bottom 2/3 are a pale yellow - and we will put up a simple, white chair-rail soon. Our crib and changing table are pale sage green, and we have a white iron twin bed to go in there. In a real tempting-fate kind of way, we even refer to it as the baby room...Note: Not "the baby's room," but the baby room, like we're raising babies in there like tomatoes. I may regret it, but I have to feel like we are doing something to move toward another child.

Speaking of which, while I'm totally solid on adopting - it is definitely the best choice for us - I still can't completely fathom that I will never be pregnant again...it is both a relief and an impossibility. But I know that if I were to get pregnant, I'm in for a world of trouble. But then I'll never get to feel a baby moving inside me again. But the delivery could be a disaster and there is no guarantee of a live birth... Lather, rinse, repeat. I think once we start doing something concrete, like writing checks to an agency, adoption will feel more real and I'll be able to get out of my head a little.

I hope you all have a good Thanksgiving!

Patience

2009-09-16T21:43:00.004-04:00

I need a little...

Now that we've made the decision that we definitely want to pursue domestic infant adoption and we know which agency we want to go with, I'm eager to start the process. Unfortunately, the process takes cash - cash we're accumulating, but I wish it could go faster.

So, what to do? Sublimate! I could exercise so that I won't look like a cow in our profile pictures, but instead I'm choosing to read (surprise!). I think I've read every book on adoption in our library system. I've bought several on Amazon. Since K is a slow reader (and I'm insane), I've taken to marking sections he needs to read - using post-its, of course! Can't destroy my precious books with highlighter! The horror!

Thank god I have a built in distraction in M. Three has been kicking our collective heinies lately, though M seems to be mellowing-out as she approaches three-and-a-half. Right now she is ricocheting between hilarious, tantrum-y, too precious for words, and then major meltdown mode. The level of whining lately has been amazing - as in, I didn't know someone could whine that much. What's the Ames and Ilg subtitle for this age? Your Three-Year Old: Angel and Asshat?

In fairness, it does seem to be getting better, though, as she gets older and used to her new classroom (she moved up a class to the three-year-old class at daycare - a highly anticipated, yet still a little stressful event). I also think our employment of the technique we're calling the "Stephanie"around our house - "I can't understand you when you're whining" - seems to be helping shift her out of whine-mode. I shouldn't complain - between whining episodes, she is so funny...just full of moxie right now - it makes me and K giggle.

I'm going to try to post more often (yeah, yeah...I know), but in the meantime, here is a pic from our beach-week in the middle of Aug. M's first time at putt-putt - she thinks she's Tiger Woods...

Rollercoaster

2009-08-13T16:15:00.005-04:00

That about sums up our last 24 hrs.

We got a call late yesterday afternoon from a local adoption agency run by two adoption attorneys that we'd requested information from (not the IAC). They had an emergency placement of a newborn girl born at the beginning of August who had been oxygen deprived during birth because her mother suffered a placental abruption. Most (if not all, given that they were cold calling us) of their waiting families turned down the placement because of the baby's special needs, and they contacted us because we checked the "open to special needs" box on their information request form.

The attorney followed up with an email containing more information. That info was not promising. The baby was preterm, born at approximately 34 weeks. Mom had not had consistent prenatal care. The baby's Apgar scores at 1, 5, and 10 min were very low to low. She had a couple of seizures in the first days after birth. The MRI and EEG indicated brain damage due to oxygen deprivation. That brain damage was compromising the sight in her right eye. She had a high risk of developing cerebral palsy and epilepsy. Mom and dad have a history of drug use and incarceration, and the adoption would have to be essentially closed - just letters & pictures with no identifying information due to safety concerns. On the other hand, the baby was only on a respirator for two days and has since been able to breathe on her own. She has never been tube fed, but instead has been able to suck from a bottle - a pretty high-level skill for a baby. She was born at a decent weight and has been consistently gaining weight. Her progress is so good that the NICU wants to discharge her early next week.

The catch: We had to make a decision today. That's right, less than 24 hrs. to make a decision whether or not we could make this child part of our family. Forever and ever, amen. Oh, and by the way, we needed to sign a contract by Monday that we would pay $13,700 (the agency's discounted rate) on Wednesday if the mom picked us. And, frankly, why wouldn't she pick us to parent a child with special health care needs? My husband is a nurse, and I work in maternal and child health. We have lots of access to care. We have an amazing support system. We know realistically what to expect, and we know the importance of early and consistent intervention.

Yet, at 12:24 today, I sent an email to the agency that K and I have decided not to pursue this adoption opportunity. Knowing that we are able to parent this child wasn't enough to make it the right decision. The developmental ped at work gave me the realistic picture of what the baby's brain injury would mean for her growth and development... what a world of heartache, for her, for us, and for M. We were going to have to come up with a lot of money very fast, putting ourselves into debt even before we had a child at home who needs a lot of (expensive) medical and developmental intervention. The ridiculously short time frame felt manipulative and wrong. We felt like the agency was wanting us to make an emotional decision, not an informed one. Also, we have good reasons for wanting an open adoption that have less to do with us, and more to do with what is best for an adopted child. In this situation, that was not going to be a safe option for any of us, given the nature of the parents' crimes, especially the father's.

It was the right decision, but it was not the easy one. I don't think I really understood how sad it would make me to reject a child. I knew intellectually that it wouldn't be easy, but the reality sucks. Every child, but especially this child, deserves the best parents possible. Prayers and good thoughts that the right family is found soon would be appreciated.

Adoption

2009-08-03T15:44:00.002-04:00

At the risk of later having to eat my words.... Adoption. We're going for it. Open, domestic, newborn, specifically.

We went to an info session on Saturday with the Independent Adoption Center, a non-profit adoption agency that works in several states and has an office in Raleigh. K and I really liked them - they pretty much "wrote the book" (in the case of the executive director, quite literally) on open adoption, and they have a focus on non-coercive counseling for expectant mothers, which is really important to us.

Sitting in that session, I had a solid confirmation of the feeling that I've had off and on for a while: I don't want to be pregnant again. I'm not good at it. I want a baby. I'm good with babies. So is K. M likes babies. And we all feel like our family isn't complete yet.

Why open adoption? Well, first off, adopted kids who know who their first/birth parents are have less angst about adoption, esp. during their teen years - there is no mystery and often feelings of abandonment and loss are lessened. First/birth moms who place children in open adoptions are more likely to come out of the situation as whole, healthy people. Watching their children thrive just re-confirms their decision to place their baby. Having given birth to a baby, I cannot imagine not knowing what happens to my child as she grows up. Also, if divorce and my father's extended family have taught me anything, it is that "family" is not based solely on blood...there are a lot of ways to be a family. So, one of my children will have another mother/father/family out there to love her/him - so what? That is awesome. My identity as a mother and my importance to my child is not diluted by the existence of other mothers.

It was interesting to be in that room with those other couples (and one single). K and I were the only people there who had a child already. It definitely seemed to give us a different perspective, particularly about first/birth moms. Everyone was somewhat nervous, including us, but the presenter was good and people slowly thawed, especially during lunch.

I will try to update more frequently as we work over the next couple of months to save $$ to pay for it!

"Prenatal testing without prenatal choices is medical fraud." - Dr. Tiller

2009-06-01T14:52:00.003-04:00

I was going to post a cookie recipe today, but I feel like it should wait until tomorrow...
Today I want to write about Dr. George Tiller.

Dr. Tiller was one of three healthcare providers in the US who perform abortions after 21 weeks, helping women who received the worst news imaginable make decisions that preserved their health and, in many cases, their lives. He and his family and staff received near-constant threats, he was shot in both arms, his clinic was bombed, and on Sunday he was killed while serving as an usher in church. The women of the US have lost a powerful ally and friend.

I've just donated to Medical Students for Choice, and I hope you will, too. (Click here to donate.) Living in a country where 87% of all counties (98% of rural counties) have no abortion provider, it is imperative that the next generation of docs are committed to providing comprehensive medical care for women. Our lives depend upon it.

Yum!

2009-04-24T14:29:00.006-04:00

I just made these chocolate chip cookies using this recipe from Erin Cooks, except I substituted orange-flavored dried cranberries for the dried raspberries and omitted the lemon zest. They are so good, if I say so myself! The recipe is great because it makes a manageable amount of cookies - not three dozen like most of them... It says it makes 15 cookies, but I got 20 good size ones out of it.

If you are looking for an interesting travel blog, follow my friend Amy on her blog Nothing Ventured, Nothing Have as she settles in Phenom Penh, Cambodia, where she recently took a maternal & child health job. She is one of the most hilarious people I know, and her entries so far have had me snorting with laughter.

Happy Birthday To Me...Splat

2009-04-08T14:26:00.003-04:00

That's the sound of this cycle failing...

As a super special birthday present, my period started today. I'm not really that surprised, but it is still disappointing. We've decided to take a small break while we get K's swimmers tested, and I check back in with the doc about the luteal phase spotting I had... no sense in taking the femara cycle after cycle, making the endo worse, if it is doomed to fail.

We've also decided to look more closely at domestic infant adoption... We'd also be open to fostering, but you have to have a separate bedroom for each child when you are fostering, so our current house is too small. We've requested an info packet from one of the local adoption agencies - from what we can tell online, we like their focus on openness and non-coercive birthmother counseling. I know the birth/first mother's pain would never go away and that open adoption can't make up for the loss, but at least we'd be trying to go into this with a wider view of family that would, hopefully, include the birth/first mother. I couldn't live with myself if I thought she was coerced and then was experiencing that pain.

***

In other news, I had an awesome time with my sister and her 2.5 year old son and baby daughter this weekend. The cousins got to play together, including going to a bounce place and the local science museum, and I got to snack on some roly-poly, super-smiley, drooly 5 month old! I can't wait to see them again in May when I head to Georgia for an STD conference (my career just gets more and more glamorous - I was also asked to come to an invite-only gonorrhea meeting! Let the jokes begin...)

Also, despite the cycle stuff, I have had a generally nice birthday - My husband gave me an IPod Touch, my daughter sang the whole "Happy Birthday" song to me this morning unprompted, my mom gave me an Elsa Perretti heart from Tiffany's and an autographed copy of the Red Leather Diary, my co-workers brought in cake from Whole Foods, and I've had lots of well-wishes from family and friends... It doesn't get better than that!

Funny Stuff and Update

2009-04-01T11:52:00.005-04:00

My kid is freaking hilarious... Yesterday, the three of us are getting in the car and we notice this terrible smell. K and I are both like, "What IS that?! Did something die in here?" and M pipes up from the backseat in this very adult, authoritative voice:

"Guys! It was me. I need to go poop. I have gas!"

K and I were rolling... tears streaming... Good thing we weren't driving yet.

Farts will always be funny.

*** I'll give you time to collect yourself ***

So, I took the femara on cds 5-9... It wasn't too bad. I got migraines from the lowered estrogen, but tiny amounts of supplemental estrogen took care of them and shouldn't have disrupted anything. I got an LH surge right on schedule on cd 13, and should have ovulated somewhere between cd 14-15. I think I may have ovulated (or attempted to ovulate) twice, but that doesn't really mean anything in terms of pregnancy.

My endometriomas are definitely back. Fred, the large one on my right ovary that disappeared after my L&D with M, is back up to 4cm big. I also have (bonus!) two 1-1.5cm endometriomas on my left ovary. Fred is pretty much eating my right ovary, but there is some normal ovarian tissue on the left one. This is the first time anyone has said to me that the right ovary is rendered non-functional by Fred. I kind of already knew that, but it was a bit of a blow to hear it, anyway. The femara didn't make my pelvic pain too much worse, though I definitely had more during ovulation and I'm having pain off and on. Hopefully, the bounce-back from the femara isn't making the endo grow too much.

I'm currently on cd 21, 7 days post ovulation... I have low expectations for the femara actually working (low-ered ex-pec-TA-tions - anyone else hear that SNL bit in their heads when they hear that phrase? Anyone? Oh, just me then. ahem. proceed.), but at least the side effects aren't too bad. If it doesn't work this cycle, then I think we'll wait until June to try with femara again... No point going to extreme measures to have a baby born in Jan/Feb, during the height of RSV season.

So, that's all I know... If I know something in the next week or so, you'll know something.

Heinie in gear

2009-02-25T13:52:00.011-05:00

So, after stewing and worrying and ignoring, I've finally taken hold of several areas in my life, dealing with them in one fell swoop. In the last week and a half, I have:

- Set up a new, 2009 Excel sheet with all of our bills, dated and grouped corresponding to our paychecks (I'm monthly and, thank God, K is biweekly);

- shared that spreadsheet with K, shocking him and spurring him to finally (FINALLY) consolidate his student loans;

- made appts with our family practice dr for K and M;

- cleaned off my desk at work, getting rid of two large piles of stuff and paring down my millions of post it notes to the seven that I actually need;

- and, most importantly for this blog, stopped feeling hopeless about the baby situation and made the call to see a new RE at UNC.

I had lunch with my college roommate who, eventhough we don't live that far apart, I haven't seen in at least 2 years. She has had a much rockier infertility journey than I have but, happily, she will be having a son in June via gestational surrogacy. She had some words of wisdom and a good (new) perspective on the the local REs and different procedures. She also has endo and has had crappy experiences on the Dreaded Clo, and has also used injectibles with a much reduced side-effect profile. She's been through IUI as well as IVF, so she was able to give me the low down. We had lunch for 2.5 hrs and could have sat there longer if we hadn't had to get back to work. Talking with her helped me get my heinie in gear and make the call to see a different RE.

Dr. Twitchy (the RE that monitored me through my pregnancy with M) is the head of the department at the university and quite smart, but I feel like he has already given me his opinion - Clomid - and he won't discuss things like progesterone supplementation and injectables with IUI. The new RE I'm going to see is someone I actually know from my MPH program - though we didn't know each other so well that it will be strange (I hope). Let's call her Dr. S (I can't think of an adjective right now). I'm not looking for Dr. S to agree to give me progesterone or do injectibles with IUI, I just want to have a discussion about why or why not they would or wouldn't be effective or risky or whatever. I have a feeling she'll be more open to actual dialogue than Dr. Twitchy.

Usually when I've been trying this many months in a row, I get pregnant, I just don't stay pregnant... Since I haven't even gotten pregnant, K has agreed that he should be tested again since it has been 5 years since he has had a semen analysis... If it isn't ok, it is better to know that before we start going down any high-tech or high-cost paths. I'm sure he'd be super excited to know that I'm talking about this on my blog... I'll keep you posted ;)

I've got an appointment with Dr. S for Monday, March 9th, which will be cycle day 26 for those of you following at home. This was her first available, but it actually works out to be pretty good timing because we get a chance to have one last month trying with the acupuncture/herbs/timed sex, I should be enough days post ovulation to know whether or not this cycle worked, and, if it didn't, I can set up blood draws, etc for the next cycle. I've also got some time to re-research injectibles, IUI, progesterone supplementation, etc, so at least I know what I want to ask about and the latest research.

K is shaving his head to raise money to benefit childhood cancer research and education through the St. Baldrick's Foundation, so I will definately update before the appointment, but I will be sure to update after the appointment, as well. Click HERE if you would like to sponsor K.

Well played Salma Hayek, well played...

2009-02-11T20:33:00.003-05:00

Salma Hayek, on a recent trip to Sierra Leone to highlight the Pampers/UNICEF one pack = one vaccine initiative that focuses on neonatal tetnus prevention, came across a sick infant who needed breastmilk... so she fed him. Cause that's what moms do.

Frustrated

2009-02-09T14:29:00.004-05:00

Let me just say in advance that this is going to be a whiny post... Feel free to look away.

K and I have been trying to get pregnant each cycle since October, and I just haven't felt like saying anything about it. Really "trying" for us includes using ovulation predictor kits, traditional Chinese herbs, acupuncture, and timing sex. I at first didn't say anything because I know it can take a while for us, getting pregnant doesn't mean I'll stay pregnant, and I was going into this with a good attitude - unhappiness with not getting pregnant was not going to take over my life. But, frankly, I can feel the unhappiness starting to creep. It is different than last time - having a live child means that, as of now, the sense of desperation is not there - but the unhappiness with not getting pregnant is starting to become an undercurrent.

Part of me feels like it should be easier... I've had a live baby, damn it, I should be able to produce another. Part of me is frustrated because my options are limited...Because of my endometriosis, I can't use Clomid or the other systemic drugs - it makes the endo alot worse, making it that much harder to get pregnant. I'm pretty sure that that is what the RE is going to offer if I go back to him, and I am not sure if he would even consider injectables (which talk more directly to the ovaries than Clomid). The only thing that worked with M is what we are doing now....which doesn't seem to be working this time.

I'm currently on cycle day 26, 10 days post ovulation. My period has not started yet (it is expected around Wed - I seem to have a 27 day cycle now), but this cycle feels mostly over. The thought of more waiting makes me tired - period starts, two weeks until ovulation, two-ish weeks before it all starts again, ad infinitum.

Blech.

"Babies" and babies

2008-12-15T21:04:00.008-05:00

M has these imaginary friends (I guess you could call them) that she calls "babies." They are apparently really tiny - they fit in the palm of her hand - and K is notorious for squishing the babies when he sits down next to her or puts his fork down. There have been inklings of imaginary babies in the past, but now it is going full force... the babies have to be buckled in their car seats, and she has to get her babies before she can go inside. When asked last night why she wouldn't go to sleep, she said, "My babies are wild." Don't you just hate it when your babies are wild?

Speaking of babies, my niece Baby Lorelei was discharged from the hospital today, cootie-free! I know Jen and Chad are excited to be home. In other good news, our friends Carrie and Chris' nine month old, Baby Heath, got a new heart on Sunday!! Right before Thanksgiving he was diagnosed with a heart condition called restrictive cardiomyopathy that is only curable with a heart transplant. His parents were told that it would probably be at least 6 months before he got a heart, but in the middle of the night on Sunday, they found out that a match was available. It is tragic for the donor family, but maybe there will be some comfort in knowing that their baby's heart lives on and that they've given another family the greatest gift imaginable. Baby Heath is still sedated and on a ventilator, but all of his organs are doing really well, and the docs hope to have him off the vent soon. What blessings for Advent!

M had a photo session with K's nephew Baby Alex on Friday. It went really well - our appointment was for 11am, and both of the kids were mellow and cooperative. Here are some pics:

2008-12-01T13:31:00.002-05:00

Baby Lorelei is here!!

2008-11-17T08:00:00.002-05:00

The sweetest baby you've ever seen! Head over to Jen's blog to check her out.

Obama, Obama, Obama

2008-11-04T10:00:00.001-05:00

Please let Obama be elected today! That's all I can say right now...

Halloween

2008-11-04T09:57:00.005-05:00

Hope you all had a good Halloween! Here is a pic of K and M... Her wings lit up (she was a firefly), but it wasn't quite dark enough to see when this picture was taken - If I can find one taken in the dark, I'll post it, too.
Edited to add: K is a jar of fireflies...he lit up as well.

Fall

2008-10-26T21:57:00.000-04:00

Fall has well and truly arrived in NC after a freakishly warm September and early October (90 degrees? In October?). I love Fall - it is by far my favorite season. I love the trees turning, I love the crispness of the air, and I really love the golden quality of the light. M and I have spent the last couple of Fridays and Saturdays at the local science museum looking at the farm animals and bears and lemurs and playing with their wind exhibit. All summer the wind-focused section was boring - sitting there limply in the humidity - but now the steerable toy sailboats on the pond really fly and the seedpod launcher is super fun.

M has turned a corner and is so much fun lately. Right when I started to look out my door at every passing car, hoping a band of gypsies was coming by that I could give her to, M became a doll... I swear they know when you're hitting your breaking point! She still has her moments, don't get me wrong, but at least the fun-to-sucky ratio is more 9:1 instead of the reverse.

I've been trying to be a more mindful parent lately, trying to stop planning and focusing on the future so much and start enjoying what I've got. One of my colleagues at the research center where I work died of a rare autoimmune disease two weeks ago. I didn't know her that well - we worked on different research areas - but I started reading her blog in September: diaryofadyingmom.blogspot.com

Although you would think the posts would be depressing, Michelle was such a fighter and idealist that, without candy-coating anything or denying how horrible the situation was, her posts are an uplifting call to really LIVE. When she died on Oct 11th, on her 11th wedding anniversary, people from all over the world wrote in to say how much her writing meant to them... I'm not good at expressing that kind of emotion, but I guess my way is to try to incorporate the lessons she was able to communicate into my life the best I can.

Gratuitous kid pic:

Keep your John out of my uterus!

2008-10-16T11:19:00.006-04:00

Please head over to Julie's at A Little Pregnant and read her post

"Why no one with a uterus should vote for John McCain"

She says what I couldn't get out last night as I was watching the debate, sputtering and cursing...

Chicagoland

2008-10-03T14:21:00.003-04:00

Hi from the land of Cubbies and Sox (White, that is)...
What, OMG, I'm posting?! I know, don't have a heart attack or anything.

I'm at a conference in Chicago, sans husband and daughter - which is a bummer, but it has been restful... A whole king size bed to myself! I've occupied my free time by going to the Art Institute - very cool, high hipster quotient what with all those under-fed, over-nicotined art students hanging about - and the Shedd Aquarium, which was awesome - M would have loved it. The Shedd has my very favorite sea creatures, the sea horse and sea dragon, because they are heavily involved in habitat conservation and breeding... The sea dragons in particular were so gorgeous - like something from another planet.

I'm manning an exhibit booth at a psychiatric convention... wow, talk about the lunatics running the asylum! I think the psychiatrists spend so much time talking with people with severe mental illness that they can't hold normal conversations anymore (or maybe they never could to begin with). We have candy out, and they are scooping up handfuls like they will never have access to chocolate again...odd bunch.

What's new on the baby front? Well, we're in kind of a holding pattern. I haven't lost the weight I wanted (and needed) to -surprise! - and work is going crazy... I'm starting up three high-profile projects right now. All of this, though, are excuses. I'm basically just scared - scared I won't get pregnant, scared I will, scared I will be super sick again, scared of going through delivery again (not of the actual birth, but of the hospital interventions). K is also somewhat reluctant, knowing what a high risk pregnancy can mean for our family, especially now that we have M.

K and I have started looking at adoption again - we found a program in Haiti that seems like a really good fit. Lithuania is so slow (years and years once you are actually on the list, even when a potential parent is a Lithuanian citizen, like I am), and K has alot of connections to Haiti. What's nice is that, technically, adoptive parents have to be at least 35 yrs old, so we have a couple of years to wrestle with all of the issues that a adoption, particularly transracial adoption, would mean (for the kids and, less, for us). Also, I still have that gut feeling like we are supposed to have one more biological child and then adopt. It isn't rational, but what about having children really is when you get down to the core? As another blogger recently said, it isn't like we're trying to staff the family farm... we in the US have kids for social and emotional reasons.

My October resolution is to post at least once a week - you in the back there, stop snickering! - hopefully more often... I've got some great pics of M that need to be posted. Laters!

July-ish

2008-07-28T21:10:00.005-04:00

So, I wish I had a good excuse for not posting since the end of June, but I can't really think of one. I think I've felt kind of boring lately - I go to work, I come home, ad infinitum...

Stuff has happened this month, though, which makes it even more ridiculous that I haven't posted. At the beginning of the month, we visited my sister and her family for the 4th of July. We had a blast, the kids got along well, and my pregnant sister wasn't TOO grumpy :) We went to the local rec center for fireworks - the, I'm not kidding you, "Firecracker Fest 2008!" - all the kids/babies (M was the oldest at 2 years) were totally cool with the fireworks... Pretty amazing that nobody freaked out - the odds were not in our favor.

Then my mom came to visit and while she was here, we went to her side of the family's family reunion. It was a cultural experience, to say the least. They are from the rural, eastern part of the state, and many are still farmers in the same area that my grandfather (one of 12 siblings) grew up. My great-grandfather was a circuit preacher and the church that he was associated with (and which one of his grandsons is the minister) was having its 100 year re-dedication. After an evangelical service, we ate tasty fried chicken, fried shrimp, and eastern NC style pork barbecue and then, the highlight of the day, the Guiding Lights sang.

The Guiding Lights are a gospel group made up of some of my mother's cousins and second cousins... they sing old style, close 4-part harmony, white gospel (stylistically different from black gospel singing - those of you in the south know what I mean). M and her cousin D were grooving, especially during the up-tempo songs. The Guiding Lights sing very traditionally within the style and don't really show the type of emotion associated with contemporary evangelical christian singing... you know, the hands in the air, crying, mass catharsis... But, they had one younger guy who sang with an off-shoot group and he starting singing "I Surrender All," putting his hand in the air and crying - M. starts putting her hand up like she's feeling the Spirit and K and I start getting cracked up... Presbyterians aren't exactly known for their emotional expression of their faith - we aren't called the "frozen chosen" for nothing...

In more recent news, M started at formal daycare today. Last school year she attended a 1/2 day preschool and then went home with a friend of ours... This year she's in a daycare that starts at age 2. When we visited she seemed to like it, but this morning she really got upset, crying, clinging (totally out of character for her), which made leaving difficult. But, true to form, when I went back in the building (not her classroom) 3 minutes after we left her to tell the lady at the front desk something I forgot, she said that M had already stopped crying and was playing with another kid. When we picked her up, the assistant teacher said that M had been the easiest new kid that they have had. I'm sure they tell a lot of parents that, but it was nice to hear anyway. M did so well using the potty (they have the miniaturized versions of real toilets - she LOVES them) that they would like to try underwear starting next Monday...Hey, if I can get someone else to take the final potty training leap with M, I am all for it!

Alright - I'm sure you are all thrilled to hear about my family reunions and my child's bathroom habits, but I've got to jet - I plomise* to post again before the end of August... Catch you on the flip side.

* An extra special gold star to those of you who get that totally lame reference

Adventures

2008-06-25T21:51:00.009-04:00

Last Sunday we...
drove to a somewhat local park...

rode the carousel....

took a spin in the boats...

DING! DING!

went up the big slide...

came down the big slide...

took a little rest watching the carousel...

hopped a ride on dad to the playground...

and went flying.

Happy Fathers' Day?

2008-06-15T22:17:00.006-04:00

My poor, long-suffering husband... He had quite a rough Fathers' Day:

M woke up several times last night, and at about 3am we brought her into our queen size bed. (For those who don't know us, K is 6'2" and I'm 5'10" - add a 3ft, 30 lb toddler and the bed is crowded, to say the least...) About 5am M woke up needing to go to the bathroom. K said "I'll take her," and the next beat I heard a THUD - he had fallen out of bed like a log, luckily missing the boxes and the bedside table next to his side of the bed, and luckily with M landing on top of him. He said it was one of those super slow falls... he knew exactly what was going to happen, he was just powerless to stop it - HILARIOUS (since everyone is ok)

Later, we had eaten lunch at the mall and were walking to the car, M on K's shoulders, when M had a sneezing attack... With the third sneeze, I could see boogers fly - K says in a completely deadpan voice, "I have boogers in my hair." I replied, super cheery, "Happy Fathers' Day!"

We love you, K!

Houston, we have a plan

2008-06-03T12:50:00.001-04:00

The meeting with Maternal-Fetal Medicine was good. Better than I expected, in fact. So, here is the plan:

- If I get knocked up on my own, which past history indicates I can do, I will immediately start taking low-dose aspirin at the first sign of a positive pregnancy test – the risks are low, and the evidence is pretty good that it can help with hypertension and preventing pre-eclampsia.

- I’ll call Dr. Twitchy’s office (the RE) and see him for initial blood draws and weekly ultrasounds until I am 10 weeks along, and start zofran as soon as possible to hopefully prevent the hyperemesis from getting as bad as last time.

- At 8-10 weeks, I will have an appt with Dr. Special (the MFM doc) to go over the plan for the coming months, draw some baseline labs (liver function, especially), and do a baseline 24 hr urine.

- Dr. Special said that she thinks that, unless things change dramatically, she’d be happy for me to be seen by the hospital-based midwives. I didn’t ask about out-of-hospital birth – seemed like it might be pushing it.

- I will stay on the Aldomet unless (or until – it is a pretty weak drug) it stops working; Then I would be switched to Labatalol and possibly a diuretic, if needed. Dr. Special said that they would have a greater tolerance for my blood pressure rising, as long as it stayed below 160/100 – if it starts creeping up, they will just adjust/change my medicine.

- I will have more frequent ultrasounds than average – weekly for the first 10 weeks, then approximately monthly, and then weekly ultrasounds/biophysical profiles for the last month or so.

Continuing to lose weight will help all of this, so in that spirit K and I bought an exercise bike yesterday… We have a really small house and it is sitting in the living room staring at me, so I think we might actually use it. My goal is to use it at least during Jeopardy – what could be more fun than sweating while answering nerdy questions?!

My current BMI is 29.8 – or, Fatty McButterpants, put down that cupcake! (mmm, cupcakes…) I would like to get to 24.7, which is in the Normal BMI range and would require me to lose 36 lbs – 6 lbs/month for the next 6 months. Do-able, but I’m not going to like the process.

Action, Anticipation

2008-05-18T20:57:00.005-04:00

I finally got my courage up and called the Maternal Fetal Medicine service at our local hospital to schedule a preconception consultation... I was worried that I would have to justify or explain, but the receptionist calmly scheduled the appointment and said she'd send a preconception consultation packet - apparently they do these all the time. She scheduled it for May 28th (eek!), which is faster than I thought I'd be able to get in, but it will be good to get answers. Because I work at the accompanying university doing maternal and child health research, it was a bit complicated to figure out who to see without saying to a current or future boss, "So, um, I'm going to be trying to get pregnant in the next 6 months; you cool with that?" I ended up asking for the doc, let's call her Dr. Special, who backs up the hospital-based midwives who I delivered with last time - she also does preeclampsia research, so hopefully she'll be up on the latest.

Things I'd like to get answers/opinions on:
- My current risk profile for preeclampsia?

- I know I need to keep losing weight, but where should I realistically try to be to minimize risk?

- Should I continue on the Aldomet or try to get off of it? Chronic hypertension was unmasked last time I was pregnant, but I am currently well controlled on a low dose of Aldomet - an anti-hypertensive that is considered reasonably safe during pregnancy

- Right before I was pregnant with M, I was tested for abnormal clotting factors... One of them, lupus anti-coagulant was higher than the normal range. This could be important because these clotting factors are implicated in repeat pregnancy loss (ding!) and pre-eclampsia (ding! ding! we have a winner!) Usually, they test again in a month or two, because one reading can be false positive/negative... They didn't test me again b/c I got and stayed pregnant with M. My question for Dr. Special will be: Should I be tested again? If so what will we do? Low dose aspirin (see question below), low molecular weight heparin?

- Should I take low dose aspirin? - That's where the latest pre-e research is pointing...

- If so, when should I start? Some people start early in pregnancy to help with implantation... The thought is good implantation & vascularization results in lower risk of pre-e

- Can I deliver with the local free-standing birthcenter midwives with routine monitoring by Dr. Special? - The birthcenter midwives have admitting privileges at the hospital...

- If so, when/how should I be monitored by Dr. Special?

- If not, can I deliver with the hospital-based midwives? When should I be monitored by Dr. Special?

- When I had an epidural during M's delivery, I had a really bad allergic reaction to the mastisol (type of adhesive) they use to tape down the epidural catheter - it looked like a chemical burn and took 25 days of prednisone to calm down... I also got a staph infection from the hospital, so it was a huge mess... I am not planning to have an epidural again (see: freestanding birthcenter midwives), but if I am induced again for pre-e or another medical emergency, I know I may want one, especially if I am on pitocin and have to labor in bed like last time... My question to Dr. Special will be: Is there anything else they can use or do to tape the catheter down?

So, um, I guess I have a few issues to discuss... I'll let you know how it goes.

Guttersnipe

2008-05-15T21:24:00.004-04:00

What happens when toddlers are left unsupervised on a sun porch with a large flower pot...

I'm thinking about having her audition for Oliver! or maybe take up boot-blacking. Or, if being a pirate ever comes back in style, she's certainly got the teeth and the snarl.

For Miss Kittie...

2008-04-30T16:37:00.000-04:00

Things my 2 year old has said lately:

- When asked what she’s doing in the back seat, cheerful response: “Pickin’ nose!”

- “Mama, you’re a cracker” How true, baby, how true…

- “Where did daddy go? Potty? Did Daddy go poop in the potty? Did Daddy go peep in the potty? SUPER POTTY, DADDY!” All said at top volume in a restaurant…

Sorry for the depressing posts (and lack of posts)… hopefully I can get back to my regularly scheduled snarky-ness...

We know better

2008-04-09T18:44:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long time, no post... a lot has been percolating, but I just couldn't seem to get a coherent thought together. Then, today I was reading an article in the New York Times about how a mother is feeling after close calls concerning the lives of her daughters, something that, thank God, I have not had to face, and a line jumped out at me:

“Other parents worry about the worst,” she told me, “but they don’t really believe it could happen. We know better.”

As I contemplate another pregnancy, any anticipation, excitement, or potential joy is always tempered by this feeling. It is not just my education, although as a maternal and child health researcher I am acutely aware of all the potential complications of pregnancy, labor, and delivery... It is not just my own history (recurrent miscarriages, hyperemesis, preeclampsia) , or the history of my friends, my fierce mama tribe (infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, preterm birth, developmental delays)... It is instead a growing realization of how sick I was during my pregnancy with M and how long it has taken me to recover, an overwhelming gratitude that things turned out as well as they did, and a sense of not wanting to tempt fate, knowing that it could always be worse.

The cruel catch-22 of infertility/subfertility is that you repeatedly make the conscious decision to subject yourself to mental and sometimes physical pain with the hope that it will result in the ultimate joy. I cannot deny the joy, but the equation seems more complicated now. How do I remain a good parent to the child I have, while going through all the hell that conception and pregnancy can mean for me? The impulse of those who care for me is to say not to worry, that everything will be fine... and it may be, or it could be worse than I can even imagine...

Yet, YET, I still feel a drive to try for another, to have another darling child, to give M a sibling... What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Well, I guess I should just go ahead and punch my ticket for the crazy train.

Funniest Easter Candy Post EVAH!!!

2008-03-15T23:14:00.000-04:00

Go on... take a look at delightfully devious Anne Nahm's latest post (not work appropriate)... I dare you not to laugh

Cootie shot

2008-03-15T09:16:00.000-04:00

We definitely could use some cootie shots over here.... or at least a cootie catcher...

Sorry for the no blogging, but we have been S-I-C-K over here....First K got in a car accident and got a nasty concussion. He wasn't driving, a co-worker was, but still...I think I'm going to make him wear a bubble-wrap suit like in Dude, Where's My Car (Zoltan!). After spending a week waking him up every 2 hrs and staring at him in between, I was beat. Then M got sick again with a pseudo-flu, got better for a couple of days, and then has been sick all this past week. I got tonsilitis last Sat (WHO gets tonsilitis as a grown-up?!), had an allergic reaction to the first antibiotic Dr. Nice gave me, and then spent the rest of the week slowly getting better on another antibiotic (while of course taking care of M and doing everything in the house...bitter, party of one). So, boring, boring, nothing to blog about...

Future doctah?

Wii wii wii all the way home

2008-01-31T21:22:00.001-05:00

This week is much better than last week; though, I'm not sure if it could have gotten worse - Locusts? Boils?

Sunday, after shriveling under the icy glare of the video game dorks at GameStop and swearing never to go in there again, we stopped by T*rget and, lo and behold, there were two (TWO!) wiis sitting in the case. I rang the service bell, all the while playing it cool so as to not attract attention, and then followed the oldest T*rget employee (I mean, in the entire company) as he inched towards the register. I was shaking as I left the store and made my way back to the car - K started grinning as he saw the bags in my hands and hasn't stopped since...

Apparently I chose a magic wii that changed our luck, since yesterday K got a fantastic job offer - it uses his previous job experience and his recently earned masters, all the while paying more than he gets now as a float nurse plus benefits (retirement, what's that?) PLUS he will be working a normal 9-5 Monday through Friday schedule!!!

Since my brain (I just typed "brian") is tired and I'm not putting together a very coherent post, let me placate you with some pictures:

M. in her SUPERFIT shoes from Germany... I think we have a future rock star on our hands - Boom! Boom!

GO PACK!

Ok, this isn't funny any more

2008-01-23T11:19:00.000-05:00

While I was at the dr with M this morning, K called and said that our power had been turned off... I was like, "What?! I paid the bill online last week!!!" So, he called the power company, sat through phone tree hell, and paid with a credit card. Right after he called me to tell me that it had been paid, the power company called and said super sweetly, "Oops, our bad... Our system was down and now it is back up and I seen that you made a payment online - would you like us to cancel it or the credit card payment?"

So, anyway, the power is back on, but WTF? I'm starting to get paranoid...

I think I'm going to start writing country songs...

2008-01-22T22:36:00.000-05:00

This week has not gotten off to a good start.

On Sunday morning, K. wrecked our VW Beetle, sliding on some ice on the way to the hospital where he works... Luckily, only our car was damaged: He was ok, no one else was hurt, no other vehicles or property were involved. He went around a curve and slid on some ice, hitting a curb, and now the wheels on the passenger side are bent in underneath the car. Since the Beetle is a cross between a tank and an egg, none of the body is damaged (at least, visibly) - it just looks like our car has had too much to drink.

If that wasn't scary enough, M had her very own version of a no good, very bad, horrible day... I went to pick her up after work from the babysitter, getting there at 5:45. When I got there, Jenn (whom I think is awesome) apologetically told me about the day M had:

- At 3:30, she fell down a flight of stairs, somersaulting until she thankfully landed on her bottom...I burst into tears upon hearing this

- Then, her fingers got pinched in the cover that goes over the keys of the piano

- Then, Jenn's 3 year old threw a football and got M in the eye

- Oh, and by the way, at 4:30, Jenn noticed a rash on her stomach... when we checked out the rash, it had spread and was starting to look welty

I placed a call to Dr. Nice and then hustled M into the car. I was fine until I called my husband - then I really lost my shit... I talked to K, crying, and he said that I should come to the hospital, and he would meet me in the ER.

So, battling stupid "it's raining and we've never seen rain before" rush hour traffic and trying to keep M awake (she, of course, had no nap today) all the while saying Hail Marys under my breath (apparently I become Catholic when I'm stressed), I made it to the ER. We only had to wait 30 min or so before we saw a super nice triage nurse - the right mix of reassuring without patronizing - who talked us through what would be the signs of head trauma (which M has not exhibited) and said that the rash was most certainly from the new antibiotic. The pediatric ER was full, with 2 more unseen patients ahead of us, so I asked the nurse (mother of 4 kids) off the record what she would do. She suggested keeping an eye on M at night, letting her get some rest instead of staying in the ER until the middle of the night, and seeing Dr. Nice in the morning. Conveniently, we have an appointment already for 9:45am, so that's what we decided to do. Dr. Nice called as we were walking in the door, apologizing for not getting back to us sooner, and echoed what the ER nurse had said, making us feel even better.

Jenn called and apologized for not calling me at work when M fell down the stairs, and I just clarified that I'd rather know and get to make the call that she's fine, than not find out until later. I also added that it isn't fair to her (Jenn) to have to take that responsibility, esp. if something happened. So, we're cool now, which is a relief - I really like her and her family, and I trust her with M.

I really feel like we've dodged a couple of bullets this week...All that stuff about fragility/resilience in toddlers in the last post - I believe it doubly now. Hopefully, this is it for us, at least this week! (Knock wood, spit over my shoulder, poo poo poo)

Next up, I've got a couple of posts brewing about pregnancy-related stuff - I know, shocking!

2nd verse, same as the 1st

2008-01-19T13:05:00.000-05:00

Damn, this blogging stuff is difficult! So much pressure... (I know, like anyone reads me except my sister, whom I talk with every day!)

So, M. has pneumonia - pretty scary, especially when she started wheezing Wed night - but thanks to the power of steroids (look out, Marion Jones) and a new antibiotic, she seems to be on the mend. This was the first time in my parenting career that I thought that I might actually have to call 911 or go to the hospital... toddlers seem so resilient one minute, slamming into things and falling down and just going on their merry way like nothing happened, but then you realize how fragile they really are. The stakes seem so high with your first child... is that a hold over from a time when you needed several children to survive? Not that having more than one makes any of them expendable, but it seems like it would feel different, if only because you have more experience to draw upon.

Wow, what a way to bring a blog down quickly, huh? I'm great at parties!

On to a different topic... Things on the weight loss front have been progressing nicely: I've lost about 5 lbs, mostly due to the "Great Austerity Project" (or, GAP, for short) that we're on in an effort to stop the Christmas hemorraging - eating at home is making a big difference weight-wise, as well as financially. But, I think I'm going to have to haul my cookies to the Y to at least swim or take a class or something if I want the downward trend to continue. Lots of people rave about T-Tapp, but I don't have such a great track record doing things at home by myself... I definitely need some external motivation. Maybe the library has some DVDs I can rent before making the committment.... Ah, the library! My sister says I'm the only person she knows who has larger late-book fines than late-video fines.

Well, here concludes an incredibly boring post... They better improve from here, or even my sister won't read me! It is supposed to snow today, so maybe I can salvage this blog with some cute pics... Here's hoping.

Since all the cool kids are doing it...

2008-01-13T22:59:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my lame attempt to fit in with the A crowd... Since I'm an avid blog reader who is increasingly thinking in blog posts, I decided to just start one. I have a feeling that this is going to turn out as badly as my middle school fashion attempts (what? No one else thought green glitter eyeshadow was a good idea?) but, what the hell...

So, here is the pertinent cast of characters in my life:

- My husband, K - the murse...Think Ricky Schroder as Paul Flowers on Scrubs, but cooler and looking more like Fred Flinstone

- my 21 month old daughter, M - a highly entertaining spitfire

- my sister, Jennifer (check out: http://jenprosser.blogspot.com/)

- my mother, Mom, who is married to JB

- my father, Dad, who is married to Mimi

- my two younger sisters, MarP (14) and AB (11)

- my primary care physician, Dr. Nice

- my reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Twitchy

M was born in March 2006, after 4 previous pregnancies ended in miscarriage... It was a rough pregnancy, to say the least: Hyperemesis gravadarium, preeclampsia, induction at 37 weeks (that, at least, was ok), post-partum staph infection, and then the little ingrate wouldn't latch... I ended up exclusively pumping for 14.5 months... Yeah, it sucked even more than you think. BUT, I was blessed with a child with a sunny personality and a husband who is super supportive, making all that pumping possible.

Public Service Announcement: Anyone who is searching the internet frantically for exclusive pumping info, please email me - I've got lots of advice just percolating under the surface, looking for an outlet.

Now, I'm trying to lose weight - each of my 5 pregnancies added about 5 lbs as a parting gift - with the hope of getting pregnant again this summer and making it through without losing the pregnancy, puking my guts up, or a BP of 140/90...