Patience

I need a little...

Now that we've made the decision that we definitely want to pursue domestic infant adoption and we know which agency we want to go with, I'm eager to start the process. Unfortunately, the process takes cash - cash we're accumulating, but I wish it could go faster.

So, what to do? Sublimate! I could exercise so that I won't look like a cow in our profile pictures, but instead I'm choosing to read (surprise!). I think I've read every book on adoption in our library system. I've bought several on Amazon. Since K is a slow reader (and I'm insane), I've taken to marking sections he needs to read - using post-its, of course! Can't destroy my precious books with highlighter! The horror!

Thank god I have a built in distraction in M. Three has been kicking our collective heinies lately, though M seems to be mellowing-out as she approaches three-and-a-half. Right now she is ricocheting between hilarious, tantrum-y, too precious for words, and then major meltdown mode. The level of whining lately has been amazing - as in, I didn't know someone could whine that much. What's the Ames and Ilg subtitle for this age? Your Three-Year Old: Angel and Asshat?

In fairness, it does seem to be getting better, though, as she gets older and used to her new classroom (she moved up a class to the three-year-old class at daycare - a highly anticipated, yet still a little stressful event). I also think our employment of the technique we're calling the "Stephanie"around our house - "I can't understand you when you're whining" - seems to be helping shift her out of whine-mode. I shouldn't complain - between whining episodes, she is so funny...just full of moxie right now - it makes me and K giggle.

I'm going to try to post more often (yeah, yeah...I know), but in the meantime, here is a pic from our beach-week in the middle of Aug. M's first time at putt-putt - she thinks she's Tiger Woods...

Rollercoaster

That about sums up our last 24 hrs.

We got a call late yesterday afternoon from a local adoption agency run by two adoption attorneys that we'd requested information from (not the IAC). They had an emergency placement of a newborn girl born at the beginning of August who had been oxygen deprived during birth because her mother suffered a placental abruption. Most (if not all, given that they were cold calling us) of their waiting families turned down the placement because of the baby's special needs, and they contacted us because we checked the "open to special needs" box on their information request form.

The attorney followed up with an email containing more information. That info was not promising. The baby was preterm, born at approximately 34 weeks. Mom had not had consistent prenatal care. The baby's Apgar scores at 1, 5, and 10 min were very low to low. She had a couple of seizures in the first days after birth. The MRI and EEG indicated brain damage due to oxygen deprivation. That brain damage was compromising the sight in her right eye. She had a high risk of developing cerebral palsy and epilepsy. Mom and dad have a history of drug use and incarceration, and the adoption would have to be essentially closed - just letters & pictures with no identifying information due to safety concerns. On the other hand, the baby was only on a respirator for two days and has since been able to breathe on her own. She has never been tube fed, but instead has been able to suck from a bottle - a pretty high-level skill for a baby. She was born at a decent weight and has been consistently gaining weight. Her progress is so good that the NICU wants to discharge her early next week.

The catch: We had to make a decision today. That's right, less than 24 hrs. to make a decision whether or not we could make this child part of our family. Forever and ever, amen. Oh, and by the way, we needed to sign a contract by Monday that we would pay $13,700 (the agency's discounted rate) on Wednesday if the mom picked us. And, frankly, why wouldn't she pick us to parent a child with special health care needs? My husband is a nurse, and I work in maternal and child health. We have lots of access to care. We have an amazing support system. We know realistically what to expect, and we know the importance of early and consistent intervention.

Yet, at 12:24 today, I sent an email to the agency that K and I have decided not to pursue this adoption opportunity. Knowing that we are able to parent this child wasn't enough to make it the right decision. The developmental ped at work gave me the realistic picture of what the baby's brain injury would mean for her growth and development... what a world of heartache, for her, for us, and for M. We were going to have to come up with a lot of money very fast, putting ourselves into debt even before we had a child at home who needs a lot of (expensive) medical and developmental intervention. The ridiculously short time frame felt manipulative and wrong. We felt like the agency was wanting us to make an emotional decision, not an informed one. Also, we have good reasons for wanting an open adoption that have less to do with us, and more to do with what is best for an adopted child. In this situation, that was not going to be a safe option for any of us, given the nature of the parents' crimes, especially the father's.

It was the right decision, but it was not the easy one. I don't think I really understood how sad it would make me to reject a child. I knew intellectually that it wouldn't be easy, but the reality sucks. Every child, but especially this child, deserves the best parents possible. Prayers and good thoughts that the right family is found soon would be appreciated.

Adoption

At the risk of later having to eat my words.... Adoption. We're going for it. Open, domestic, newborn, specifically.

We went to an info session on Saturday with the Independent Adoption Center, a non-profit adoption agency that works in several states and has an office in Raleigh. K and I really liked them - they pretty much "wrote the book" (in the case of the executive director, quite literally) on open adoption, and they have a focus on non-coercive counseling for expectant mothers, which is really important to us.

Sitting in that session, I had a solid confirmation of the feeling that I've had off and on for a while: I don't want to be pregnant again. I'm not good at it. I want a baby. I'm good with babies. So is K. M likes babies. And we all feel like our family isn't complete yet.

Why open adoption? Well, first off, adopted kids who know who their first/birth parents are have less angst about adoption, esp. during their teen years - there is no mystery and often feelings of abandonment and loss are lessened. First/birth moms who place children in open adoptions are more likely to come out of the situation as whole, healthy people. Watching their children thrive just re-confirms their decision to place their baby. Having given birth to a baby, I cannot imagine not knowing what happens to my child as she grows up. Also, if divorce and my father's extended family have taught me anything, it is that "family" is not based solely on blood...there are a lot of ways to be a family. So, one of my children will have another mother/father/family out there to love her/him - so what? That is awesome. My identity as a mother and my importance to my child is not diluted by the existence of other mothers.

It was interesting to be in that room with those other couples (and one single). K and I were the only people there who had a child already. It definitely seemed to give us a different perspective, particularly about first/birth moms. Everyone was somewhat nervous, including us, but the presenter was good and people slowly thawed, especially during lunch.

I will try to update more frequently as we work over the next couple of months to save $$ to pay for it!

"Prenatal testing without prenatal choices is medical fraud." - Dr. Tiller

I was going to post a cookie recipe today, but I feel like it should wait until tomorrow...
Today I want to write about Dr. George Tiller.

Dr. Tiller was one of three healthcare providers in the US who perform abortions after 21 weeks, helping women who received the worst news imaginable make decisions that preserved their health and, in many cases, their lives. He and his family and staff received near-constant threats, he was shot in both arms, his clinic was bombed, and on Sunday he was killed while serving as an usher in church. The women of the US have lost a powerful ally and friend.

I've just donated to Medical Students for Choice, and I hope you will, too. (Click here to donate.) Living in a country where 87% of all counties (98% of rural counties) have no abortion provider, it is imperative that the next generation of docs are committed to providing comprehensive medical care for women. Our lives depend upon it.

Yum!

I just made these chocolate chip cookies using this recipe from Erin Cooks, except I substituted orange-flavored dried cranberries for the dried raspberries and omitted the lemon zest. They are so good, if I say so myself! The recipe is great because it makes a manageable amount of cookies - not three dozen like most of them... It says it makes 15 cookies, but I got 20 good size ones out of it.

If you are looking for an interesting travel blog, follow my friend Amy on her blog Nothing Ventured, Nothing Have as she settles in Phenom Penh, Cambodia, where she recently took a maternal & child health job. She is one of the most hilarious people I know, and her entries so far have had me snorting with laughter.

Happy Birthday To Me...Splat

That's the sound of this cycle failing...

As a super special birthday present, my period started today. I'm not really that surprised, but it is still disappointing. We've decided to take a small break while we get K's swimmers tested, and I check back in with the doc about the luteal phase spotting I had... no sense in taking the femara cycle after cycle, making the endo worse, if it is doomed to fail.

We've also decided to look more closely at domestic infant adoption... We'd also be open to fostering, but you have to have a separate bedroom for each child when you are fostering, so our current house is too small. We've requested an info packet from one of the local adoption agencies - from what we can tell online, we like their focus on openness and non-coercive birthmother counseling. I know the birth/first mother's pain would never go away and that open adoption can't make up for the loss, but at least we'd be trying to go into this with a wider view of family that would, hopefully, include the birth/first mother. I couldn't live with myself if I thought she was coerced and then was experiencing that pain.

***

In other news, I had an awesome time with my sister and her 2.5 year old son and baby daughter this weekend. The cousins got to play together, including going to a bounce place and the local science museum, and I got to snack on some roly-poly, super-smiley, drooly 5 month old! I can't wait to see them again in May when I head to Georgia for an STD conference (my career just gets more and more glamorous - I was also asked to come to an invite-only gonorrhea meeting! Let the jokes begin...)

Also, despite the cycle stuff, I have had a generally nice birthday - My husband gave me an IPod Touch, my daughter sang the whole "Happy Birthday" song to me this morning unprompted, my mom gave me an Elsa Perretti heart from Tiffany's and an autographed copy of the Red Leather Diary, my co-workers brought in cake from Whole Foods, and I've had lots of well-wishes from family and friends... It doesn't get better than that!

Funny Stuff and Update

My kid is freaking hilarious... Yesterday, the three of us are getting in the car and we notice this terrible smell. K and I are both like, "What IS that?! Did something die in here?" and M pipes up from the backseat in this very adult, authoritative voice:

"Guys! It was me. I need to go poop. I have gas!"

K and I were rolling... tears streaming... Good thing we weren't driving yet.

Farts will always be funny.

*** I'll give you time to collect yourself ***

So, I took the femara on cds 5-9... It wasn't too bad. I got migraines from the lowered estrogen, but tiny amounts of supplemental estrogen took care of them and shouldn't have disrupted anything. I got an LH surge right on schedule on cd 13, and should have ovulated somewhere between cd 14-15. I think I may have ovulated (or attempted to ovulate) twice, but that doesn't really mean anything in terms of pregnancy.

My endometriomas are definitely back. Fred, the large one on my right ovary that disappeared after my L&D with M, is back up to 4cm big. I also have (bonus!) two 1-1.5cm endometriomas on my left ovary. Fred is pretty much eating my right ovary, but there is some normal ovarian tissue on the left one. This is the first time anyone has said to me that the right ovary is rendered non-functional by Fred. I kind of already knew that, but it was a bit of a blow to hear it, anyway. The femara didn't make my pelvic pain too much worse, though I definitely had more during ovulation and I'm having pain off and on. Hopefully, the bounce-back from the femara isn't making the endo grow too much.

I'm currently on cd 21, 7 days post ovulation... I have low expectations for the femara actually working (low-ered ex-pec-TA-tions - anyone else hear that SNL bit in their heads when they hear that phrase? Anyone? Oh, just me then. ahem. proceed.), but at least the side effects aren't too bad. If it doesn't work this cycle, then I think we'll wait until June to try with femara again... No point going to extreme measures to have a baby born in Jan/Feb, during the height of RSV season.

So, that's all I know... If I know something in the next week or so, you'll know something.