Happy Birthday To Me...Splat

That's the sound of this cycle failing...

As a super special birthday present, my period started today. I'm not really that surprised, but it is still disappointing. We've decided to take a small break while we get K's swimmers tested, and I check back in with the doc about the luteal phase spotting I had... no sense in taking the femara cycle after cycle, making the endo worse, if it is doomed to fail.

We've also decided to look more closely at domestic infant adoption... We'd also be open to fostering, but you have to have a separate bedroom for each child when you are fostering, so our current house is too small. We've requested an info packet from one of the local adoption agencies - from what we can tell online, we like their focus on openness and non-coercive birthmother counseling. I know the birth/first mother's pain would never go away and that open adoption can't make up for the loss, but at least we'd be trying to go into this with a wider view of family that would, hopefully, include the birth/first mother. I couldn't live with myself if I thought she was coerced and then was experiencing that pain.

***

In other news, I had an awesome time with my sister and her 2.5 year old son and baby daughter this weekend. The cousins got to play together, including going to a bounce place and the local science museum, and I got to snack on some roly-poly, super-smiley, drooly 5 month old! I can't wait to see them again in May when I head to Georgia for an STD conference (my career just gets more and more glamorous - I was also asked to come to an invite-only gonorrhea meeting! Let the jokes begin...)

Also, despite the cycle stuff, I have had a generally nice birthday - My husband gave me an IPod Touch, my daughter sang the whole "Happy Birthday" song to me this morning unprompted, my mom gave me an Elsa Perretti heart from Tiffany's and an autographed copy of the Red Leather Diary, my co-workers brought in cake from Whole Foods, and I've had lots of well-wishes from family and friends... It doesn't get better than that!

Funny Stuff and Update

My kid is freaking hilarious... Yesterday, the three of us are getting in the car and we notice this terrible smell. K and I are both like, "What IS that?! Did something die in here?" and M pipes up from the backseat in this very adult, authoritative voice:

"Guys! It was me. I need to go poop. I have gas!"

K and I were rolling... tears streaming... Good thing we weren't driving yet.

Farts will always be funny.

*** I'll give you time to collect yourself ***

So, I took the femara on cds 5-9... It wasn't too bad. I got migraines from the lowered estrogen, but tiny amounts of supplemental estrogen took care of them and shouldn't have disrupted anything. I got an LH surge right on schedule on cd 13, and should have ovulated somewhere between cd 14-15. I think I may have ovulated (or attempted to ovulate) twice, but that doesn't really mean anything in terms of pregnancy.

My endometriomas are definitely back. Fred, the large one on my right ovary that disappeared after my L&D with M, is back up to 4cm big. I also have (bonus!) two 1-1.5cm endometriomas on my left ovary. Fred is pretty much eating my right ovary, but there is some normal ovarian tissue on the left one. This is the first time anyone has said to me that the right ovary is rendered non-functional by Fred. I kind of already knew that, but it was a bit of a blow to hear it, anyway. The femara didn't make my pelvic pain too much worse, though I definitely had more during ovulation and I'm having pain off and on. Hopefully, the bounce-back from the femara isn't making the endo grow too much.

I'm currently on cd 21, 7 days post ovulation... I have low expectations for the femara actually working (low-ered ex-pec-TA-tions - anyone else hear that SNL bit in their heads when they hear that phrase? Anyone? Oh, just me then. ahem. proceed.), but at least the side effects aren't too bad. If it doesn't work this cycle, then I think we'll wait until June to try with femara again... No point going to extreme measures to have a baby born in Jan/Feb, during the height of RSV season.

So, that's all I know... If I know something in the next week or so, you'll know something.

Heinie in gear

So, after stewing and worrying and ignoring, I've finally taken hold of several areas in my life, dealing with them in one fell swoop. In the last week and a half, I have:

- Set up a new, 2009 Excel sheet with all of our bills, dated and grouped corresponding to our paychecks (I'm monthly and, thank God, K is biweekly);

- shared that spreadsheet with K, shocking him and spurring him to finally (FINALLY) consolidate his student loans;

- made appts with our family practice dr for K and M;

- cleaned off my desk at work, getting rid of two large piles of stuff and paring down my millions of post it notes to the seven that I actually need;

- and, most importantly for this blog, stopped feeling hopeless about the baby situation and made the call to see a new RE at UNC.

I had lunch with my college roommate who, eventhough we don't live that far apart, I haven't seen in at least 2 years. She has had a much rockier infertility journey than I have but, happily, she will be having a son in June via gestational surrogacy. She had some words of wisdom and a good (new) perspective on the the local REs and different procedures. She also has endo and has had crappy experiences on the Dreaded Clo, and has also used injectibles with a much reduced side-effect profile. She's been through IUI as well as IVF, so she was able to give me the low down. We had lunch for 2.5 hrs and could have sat there longer if we hadn't had to get back to work. Talking with her helped me get my heinie in gear and make the call to see a different RE.

Dr. Twitchy (the RE that monitored me through my pregnancy with M) is the head of the department at the university and quite smart, but I feel like he has already given me his opinion - Clomid - and he won't discuss things like progesterone supplementation and injectables with IUI. The new RE I'm going to see is someone I actually know from my MPH program - though we didn't know each other so well that it will be strange (I hope). Let's call her Dr. S (I can't think of an adjective right now). I'm not looking for Dr. S to agree to give me progesterone or do injectibles with IUI, I just want to have a discussion about why or why not they would or wouldn't be effective or risky or whatever. I have a feeling she'll be more open to actual dialogue than Dr. Twitchy.

Usually when I've been trying this many months in a row, I get pregnant, I just don't stay pregnant... Since I haven't even gotten pregnant, K has agreed that he should be tested again since it has been 5 years since he has had a semen analysis... If it isn't ok, it is better to know that before we start going down any high-tech or high-cost paths. I'm sure he'd be super excited to know that I'm talking about this on my blog... I'll keep you posted ;)

I've got an appointment with Dr. S for Monday, March 9th, which will be cycle day 26 for those of you following at home. This was her first available, but it actually works out to be pretty good timing because we get a chance to have one last month trying with the acupuncture/herbs/timed sex, I should be enough days post ovulation to know whether or not this cycle worked, and, if it didn't, I can set up blood draws, etc for the next cycle. I've also got some time to re-research injectibles, IUI, progesterone supplementation, etc, so at least I know what I want to ask about and the latest research.

K is shaving his head to raise money to benefit childhood cancer research and education through the St. Baldrick's Foundation, so I will definately update before the appointment, but I will be sure to update after the appointment, as well. Click HERE if you would like to sponsor K.

Well played Salma Hayek, well played...

Salma Hayek, on a recent trip to Sierra Leone to highlight the Pampers/UNICEF one pack = one vaccine initiative that focuses on neonatal tetnus prevention, came across a sick infant who needed breastmilk... so she fed him. Cause that's what moms do.

Frustrated

Let me just say in advance that this is going to be a whiny post... Feel free to look away.

K and I have been trying to get pregnant each cycle since October, and I just haven't felt like saying anything about it. Really "trying" for us includes using ovulation predictor kits, traditional Chinese herbs, acupuncture, and timing sex. I at first didn't say anything because I know it can take a while for us, getting pregnant doesn't mean I'll stay pregnant, and I was going into this with a good attitude - unhappiness with not getting pregnant was not going to take over my life. But, frankly, I can feel the unhappiness starting to creep. It is different than last time - having a live child means that, as of now, the sense of desperation is not there - but the unhappiness with not getting pregnant is starting to become an undercurrent.

Part of me feels like it should be easier... I've had a live baby, damn it, I should be able to produce another. Part of me is frustrated because my options are limited...Because of my endometriosis, I can't use Clomid or the other systemic drugs - it makes the endo alot worse, making it that much harder to get pregnant. I'm pretty sure that that is what the RE is going to offer if I go back to him, and I am not sure if he would even consider injectables (which talk more directly to the ovaries than Clomid). The only thing that worked with M is what we are doing now....which doesn't seem to be working this time.

I'm currently on cycle day 26, 10 days post ovulation. My period has not started yet (it is expected around Wed - I seem to have a 27 day cycle now), but this cycle feels mostly over. The thought of more waiting makes me tired - period starts, two weeks until ovulation, two-ish weeks before it all starts again, ad infinitum.

Blech.

"Babies" and babies

M has these imaginary friends (I guess you could call them) that she calls "babies." They are apparently really tiny - they fit in the palm of her hand - and K is notorious for squishing the babies when he sits down next to her or puts his fork down. There have been inklings of imaginary babies in the past, but now it is going full force... the babies have to be buckled in their car seats, and she has to get her babies before she can go inside. When asked last night why she wouldn't go to sleep, she said, "My babies are wild." Don't you just hate it when your babies are wild?

Speaking of babies, my niece Baby Lorelei was discharged from the hospital today, cootie-free! I know Jen and Chad are excited to be home. In other good news, our friends Carrie and Chris' nine month old, Baby Heath, got a new heart on Sunday!! Right before Thanksgiving he was diagnosed with a heart condition called restrictive cardiomyopathy that is only curable with a heart transplant. His parents were told that it would probably be at least 6 months before he got a heart, but in the middle of the night on Sunday, they found out that a match was available. It is tragic for the donor family, but maybe there will be some comfort in knowing that their baby's heart lives on and that they've given another family the greatest gift imaginable. Baby Heath is still sedated and on a ventilator, but all of his organs are doing really well, and the docs hope to have him off the vent soon. What blessings for Advent!

M had a photo session with K's nephew Baby Alex on Friday. It went really well - our appointment was for 11am, and both of the kids were mellow and cooperative. Here are some pics: